The Big Beautiful Obituary
Billions of people around the world rejoiced today as Donald J. Trump died after a lengthy period of suffering that he inflicted upon humanity. He departed the world of the living and returned to Hell, from whence he came, enabling the rest of the world to enter into peace.
Trump’s corruption, incompetence, and malevolence were legendary. He will be remembered as the worst President of the United States ever, and the only President with four criminal indictments and two impeachments. He was deserving of many more indictments and impeachments, but a broken system of government allowed Trump to go unpunished his entire life. Trump held the office of President for two hellish, non-consecutive terms, with a four year intermission of relative normalcy and sanity within the era of Trump dystopia. Trump spent most of his two terms golfing, ranting on social media, posting childish memes, vacationing at his gaudy properties at taxpayers’ expense, vandalizing public architecture, and committing war crimes. Through stock market manipulation, graft, and extortion disguised as political fundraising, Trump was able to enrich himself by billions of dollars during his presidencies, in violation of custom and the Constitution. Throughout his tyrannical, treasonous misrule, Trump prioritized self-enrichment, self-aggrandizement, fealty to Russian dictator Vladimir Putin, the persecution of minorities, and the looting of national treasure.
During his first term, more than a quarter million Americans died needlessly due to Trump’s mishandling of the Covid 19 pandemic. Trump also appointed three corrupt, partisan hacks to the Supreme Court who took away reproductive freedom from over a hundred million American women, eliminated voting rights, and expanded presidential power and immunity to absurd proportions. After Trump’s suspicious reelection in 2024, with the help of this supreme court, Trump’s first act was to pardon the cop-beating terrorists who had helped him stage a coup d’etat in 2020. Trump would later try to create a slush fund to “reimburse” and reward these January 6th insurrectionists.
Trump ran for a second term to avoid prison and succeeded due to massive vote suppression and money from undisclosed donors. In this second term,Trump appointed a Rogues’ Gallery of sycophants to dismantle the institutions to which they were appointed. He appointed fascist oligarch Elon Musk to an illegal extra-governmental agency which indiscriminately fired federal employees and abolished organizations mandated by Congress. More than 600,000 people died, two-thirds children, after he shut down USAID. Trump also illegally imposed tariffs and waged war against Iran without consultation with Congress or allies, both of which were economically disastrous for the whole world but benefited him personally through insider trading. In violation of many court orders, Trump’s Justice Department blocked release of the “Epstein Files” which would have proven Trump’s participation in sex crimes against children. Trump’s signature legislative achievement was what he called “The Big Beautiful Bill”, which gave tax cuts to billionaires, cut healthcare, funded the largest secret police force in history, and created a vast network of concentration camps, among other crimes and travesties. Trump used his secret police forces to occupy and terrorize American cities, culminating in the murder of several American citizens on American streets in broad daylight.
Prior to becoming President, Trump was a failed businessman who pretended to be a successful businessman on television. Trump was a profoundly stupid man who managed to bankrupt casinos and go bankrupt multiple times despite being born a rich, over-privileged “nepo baby”. Trump had a long string of scams and business failures including Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump University, and Trump Vodka, and Trump Water. Throughout his life, Trump’s immense ego compelled him to plaster his name on everything he could, regardless of the appropriateness or legality. Trump’s scams continued unabated during his presidency, with the introduction of Trump sneakers, Trump watches, Trump coins, and other crap. Trump is survived by a large family of shameless, grifting morons like himself, including his slutty, mail-order wife Melania, and his obnoxious, degenerate children.
Trump was a person who stole from charities, scapegoated innocent people, made fun of the disabled, denigrated legitimate heroes, raped women and children, and murdered non-combatants overseas in wars of choice. He was a pedophile, a rapist, a career criminal, a confidence man, a Russian asset, an extortionist, a money launderer, a serial adulterer, a drug abuser, a pathological liar, a white supremacist, a misogynist, anti-intellectual, homophobic, Islamophobic, and Xenophobic. Donald Trump was a petty, hateful man with no redeeming qualities. He was completely lacking in taste, decency, empathy, virtue, wisdom, and common sense, and was the embodiment of all seven deadly sins. However, Trump possessed a strange, inexplicable charisma, much like Adolph Hitler and Charles Manson, enabling him to become a highly successful cult leader, grifter, and Autocrat.
Donald Trump was an insufferable, sadistic child who was sent to New York Military Academy because he was uncontrollable and no other prep school would admit him. Trump was a poor student who bullied and cheated his way through all his schooling. His own mother called him a monster. He reportedly paid somebody to take his college entrance exams for him. One of his professors at The Wharton School of Business described Trump as the dumbest student he ever had. He graduated near the bottom of his class, and then lied about this ranking the rest of his life. Trump concealed his educational records, his business records, his medical records, and his tax returns.
Trump was mentored by his slumlord Klansman father Frederick Trump Sr., red-baiting attorney Roy Cohn, and hypocritical bible-thumper Norman Vincent Peale, some of the worst human beings who ever lived aside from Donald Trump himself. Roy Cohn taught Trump to accuse all of his political opponents of Communism and to abuse the legal system to rip-off employees and punish critics. This helped turn Trump into the most litigious individual in history. Donald Trump’s father Fredrick, who made a fortune from fraud and corruption of his own, helped Donald avoid military service in Vietnam by bribing a doctor to falsify medical records. Despite his five deferments, Donald Trump imagined himself a great military genius. Trump famously went on to belittle the service of military personnel, calling them “suckers and losers”, and used the military as cannon fodder.
Trump was diagnosed with a psychiatric condition known as “Malignant Narcissism”, the worst possible type of personality disorder combining elements of grandiosity, entitlement, paranoia, sadism, and psychopathy. He also developed severe dementia at the end of his life, which served to worsen his already horrendous personality. In his final year, the dementia caused him to lose all inhibition, and he would swear profusely in public and openly call for genocide against his perceived enemies.
Trump’s legacy is the destruction of democracy and the rule of law in the United States of America, and the destruction of America’s power and reputation. He ruthlessly exploited every flaw and loophole in our Constitution, leaving America a failed state. His cruel, senseless policies and wars of aggression triggered world-wide economic catastrophe and impoverishment. Trump betrayed America’s allies, embraced dictators, and ended the NATO alliance which had kept peace and stability in the world since the end of World War Two. Trump enriched himself and his cronies by billions of dollars while increasing inequality beyond that of the Gilded Age of the previous century. Donald Trump caused untold misery, destruction, and the deaths of millions of people in the United States of America and around the globe. The incalculable harm, the lifetime of egregious non-stop lying, the wanton cruelty and insatiable greed, all qualify Donald J. Trump as the most evil and despicable person who ever God suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.
Trump’s body will be disposed of secretly to avoid grave site desecration and to prevent the forces of evil from regrouping around his wretched memory. Family of the deceased requests that large donations to The Trump Organization be sent in lieu of flowers. The joy triggered by his demise is only slightly tempered by the swearing in of soulless, scheming sycophant J.D. Vance as his temporary replacement. World-wide celebrations are expected to continue for weeks despite reported shortages of Champagne, fireworks, and confetti.